My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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