Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
