I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Randomize
