Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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