I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
