My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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