my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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