guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Well I just put wine in my tea
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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