Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
