So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
