You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
