Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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