So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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