This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
