would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
there is puke in my bra ... again
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
