Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
