She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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