Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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