I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
third nipple confirmed
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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