Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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