PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
