My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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