and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
