there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
