Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
