Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
