He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
