He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
