Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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