Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
