did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
