I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
