your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
