His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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