All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
