Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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