Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
