You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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