The maid of honor just puked.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Randomize
