I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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