Someone shit on the floor
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
