We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
