it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
