Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
