Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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