Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
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