Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I can text with my tongue
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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