You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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