THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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