I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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