My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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