and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize