hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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