Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
