Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
