I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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