Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
