i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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