I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
