my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
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