20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
