your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
