the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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